I ruined myself
Haven’t been on here in months. This is here just to vent I guess.
So I literally ruined everything for a quick high at Reading. I didn’t plan on getting on it at the festival… But it happened and I did a lot. Reading was good but I didn’t enjoy myself, I felt lost, out of place and missing something. Besides the point I came home after breaking down in Reading and felt fine but still a bit empty and guilty as Kim wasn’t there and I did the one thing she asked me not to… Take drugs. Then Tuesday hits. Honestly I felt like taking my life on Tuesday. I have never been one to suffer with mental health, being the only one not to in my family I was lucky but I wanted to end it all Tuesday. I felt awful, like everyone was looking at me. Dehumanised, no emotion, random crying, fits and twitching. I felt like I was looking through a window onto the world, like I didn’t belong. It’s extremely hard to describe. Moving on… I couldn’t sleep, every time i would drop off I would have a bolt of electricity surge through me followed by my heart pounding and sever anxiety with a ringing in my ears. That still happens randomly but it would happen as I fell asleep every night until Friday. The next day I told Kim what happened and I lost her forever. I let a quick high and a mildly pleasant experience at a festival ruin the best thing to happen to me. She stood by me for three years as I fought against a crazy fucked up family and a distressing upbringing. I couldn’t love someone as much as I love her and I fucked that all up. That’s my biggest regret, losing her. I threw away the three best years of my life. That makes my blood boil, it makes me hate myself. Finally I tried working after all that happened and half way through the night I collapsed in the office and wouldn’t stop crying. I had to call my best friend Rowan to call my area manager because I was too scared too. I couldn’t cope, hell I still can’t cope. Because of a stupid drug binge I now have to attend a CBT course to combat this anxiety and I’ve decided to go to therapy and counselling. I literally had to ruin myself and every good thing in my life to learn. Honestly I could never ever think about taking another drug again. It’s a weekend I will never forget for all the good and bad reasons but if I could take it back I would. I’m not posting this for sympathy or to try and win her back. I know it’s too late. I’m posting this just so someone might read this and choose not to try it. I can’t stress enough how it ruins lives. My whole family are addicts and although I’m not, it’s worsened a mental health problem for me which I now have to live with the reset of my life. I’m so sorry for everything but I deserve everything I get. Drugs cause lies to circulate, friendships and relationships to ruin, money wasted and lives lost. I wish I didn’t have to go through this ordeal to realise. I wish I still had what I did before. I wish I could turn back time change everything but I can’t. Please if you have the chance, don’t.
are you alright?
Sorry I’ve stayed off tumble for a while… And I’m not alright tbh, just feeling like I’m going 100 steps back every day
Why lie? What the fuck am I doing? If anyone will understand anything or be fine with me it’s her! Why did fucking lie to her, just made her trust for me fucking vanish. I just go scared and I’m sorry. I don’t know why I have the need to lie, I convince myself of the lie for fucks sake :( EUGH I’m an idiot, why do I fuck up the best thing I have in my life? I need to see someone about this, it’s driving me insane, yet alone everyone else around me. Lying is destroying my life.
So this is the first personal post I’ve had time to write in a very long time… It’s upsetting that I only come on here when something bad has happened. Guess this is my vent. Anyway I feel horrible… So so horrible. I said the worst thing at the worst possible time just because I was angry. In one word I was a cunt. I just feel so horrible and down especially because this argument could have been easily avoided. I’m afraid she won’t forget what I said, and she has the right to remember it, I’m more afraid that she won’t be the same, that it just pushed us over the edge, that we can’t repair this rip in our relationship. I’m just such an idiot and I can’t describe to anyone how sincerely sorry I am, how disgusting and horrible I feel and how out of order I was. I’m just scared. I love you.