I ruined myself
Haven’t been on here in months. This is here just to vent I guess.
So I literally ruined everything for a quick high at Reading. I didn’t plan on getting on it at the festival… But it happened and I did a lot. Reading was good but I didn’t enjoy myself, I felt lost, out of place and missing something. Besides the point I came home after breaking down in Reading and felt fine but still a bit empty and guilty as Kim wasn’t there and I did the one thing she asked me not to… Take drugs. Then Tuesday hits. Honestly I felt like taking my life on Tuesday. I have never been one to suffer with mental health, being the only one not to in my family I was lucky but I wanted to end it all Tuesday. I felt awful, like everyone was looking at me. Dehumanised, no emotion, random crying, fits and twitching. I felt like I was looking through a window onto the world, like I didn’t belong. It’s extremely hard to describe. Moving on… I couldn’t sleep, every time i would drop off I would have a bolt of electricity surge through me followed by my heart pounding and sever anxiety with a ringing in my ears. That still happens randomly but it would happen as I fell asleep every night until Friday. The next day I told Kim what happened and I lost her forever. I let a quick high and a mildly pleasant experience at a festival ruin the best thing to happen to me. She stood by me for three years as I fought against a crazy fucked up family and a distressing upbringing. I couldn’t love someone as much as I love her and I fucked that all up. That’s my biggest regret, losing her. I threw away the three best years of my life. That makes my blood boil, it makes me hate myself. Finally I tried working after all that happened and half way through the night I collapsed in the office and wouldn’t stop crying. I had to call my best friend Rowan to call my area manager because I was too scared too. I couldn’t cope, hell I still can’t cope. Because of a stupid drug binge I now have to attend a CBT course to combat this anxiety and I’ve decided to go to therapy and counselling. I literally had to ruin myself and every good thing in my life to learn. Honestly I could never ever think about taking another drug again. It’s a weekend I will never forget for all the good and bad reasons but if I could take it back I would. I’m not posting this for sympathy or to try and win her back. I know it’s too late. I’m posting this just so someone might read this and choose not to try it. I can’t stress enough how it ruins lives. My whole family are addicts and although I’m not, it’s worsened a mental health problem for me which I now have to live with the reset of my life. I’m so sorry for everything but I deserve everything I get. Drugs cause lies to circulate, friendships and relationships to ruin, money wasted and lives lost. I wish I didn’t have to go through this ordeal to realise. I wish I still had what I did before. I wish I could turn back time change everything but I can’t. Please if you have the chance, don’t.
are you alright?
Sorry I’ve stayed off tumble for a while… And I’m not alright tbh, just feeling like I’m going 100 steps back every day
Why lie? What the fuck am I doing? If anyone will understand anything or be fine with me it’s her! Why did fucking lie to her, just made her trust for me fucking vanish. I just go scared and I’m sorry. I don’t know why I have the need to lie, I convince myself of the lie for fucks sake :( EUGH I’m an idiot, why do I fuck up the best thing I have in my life? I need to see someone about this, it’s driving me insane, yet alone everyone else around me. Lying is destroying my life.